Belonging vs. Fitting In: The Friendship Conversation We Have With Our Kids Every School Year

Back-to-school season brings a lot of conversations in our house.

We talk about body safety. We talk about online safety. We talk about boundaries, trusted adults, and what to do when something doesn't feel right.

And while those conversations tend to get a little more attention at the beginning of a school year, they're really conversations we have all year long.

But there's one other conversation I find myself coming back to every August:

Friendships.

Because friendships can be wonderful.

They can also be complicated as our kids get older.

Our children are learning who they are while simultaneously trying to figure out where they belong. They're navigating new friendships, changing friendships, social pressure, popularity, interests, personalities and the very real desire to be accepted.

And that's why I think it's so important to talk to our kids about the difference between belonging and fitting in.

What does it mean to belong?

Belonging is feeling accepted as yourself.

It means you don't have to have all the same interests as your friends.

You don't have to dress exactly like them.

You don't have to listen to the same music.

You don't have to pretend to like something because everyone else does.

You can be a little weird.

You can have an interest that nobody else understands.

And you can still feel completely comfortable being part of the group.

My 12-year-old has always been a huge Marvel and Star Wars fan. And when I say huge, I mean she's the "we're seeing it opening day" level of fan.

She's also the only one in her friend group who is that into it.

But she doesn't feel embarrassed about it.

Her friends know she's obsessed. She knows they don't necessarily share her enthusiasm. And that's okay.

Nobody is asking her to hide it.

Nobody is making her feel like she needs to change it.

That's belonging.

What does it mean to fit in?

Fitting in often means changing yourself in order to be accepted.

It's when you start thinking:

Maybe they would like me more if I didn't talk about this.

Maybe I shouldn't wear that.

Maybe I should pretend I like this.

Maybe I shouldn't tell them that I actually love this.

Maybe I need to be more like them.

And sometimes those choices seem really small.

But over time, constantly editing yourself for other people can become exhausting.

Our kids shouldn't have to perform a version of themselves in order to keep their friendships.

You don't have to like everything your friends like.

This one sounds simple, but I think it's worth saying out loud.

You don't have to be a Swiftie because your friends are Swifties.

(Although, as a Swiftie myself, I will respectfully disagree with you. 😂)

You don't have to love the same sports.

You don't have to play the same games.

You don't have to have the same hobbies.

You don't even have to understand why your friend is so obsessed with something.

You just need to be able to respect that it matters to them.

And they should be able to do the same for you.

Belonging doesn't require sameness.

Friendships change.

This is another thing I want my kids to understand.

Friendships aren't always permanent.

As our kids grow, they grow into and out of different friendships.

Their interests change.

Their personalities develop.

They discover new things about themselves.

Sometimes friendships that once felt perfect no longer do.

And that can really hurt.

But it doesn't necessarily mean anyone did anything wrong.

Sometimes growing means realizing that you don't have to stay somewhere simply because you've been there for a long time.

I want my kids to know that the goal isn't to be liked by everyone.

The goal is to find people who allow you to be fully yourself.

And just as importantly, to become that person for someone else.

Maybe confidence starts with belonging.

We talk a lot about building confident kids.

But I wonder if confidence sometimes starts somewhere simpler.

Maybe confidence starts with knowing:

I don't have to change who I am to deserve friendship.

Maybe it starts with having people around you who make you feel safe enough to be yourself.

Maybe it starts with knowing that your weird little interests aren't something you need to hide.

Maybe it starts with sitting at a lunch table and knowing you don't have to perform.

So as our kids head back into another school year, I'm reminding mine:

Find the people who let you be yourself.

Find the people who make room for your weirdness.

Find the people who celebrate the things that make you different.

And be that person for someone else.

Because fitting in might make you part of the group.

But belonging lets you be yourself while you're there.

And that's the kind of friendship I want for my kids.